Chateau L'ermitage, 2007, GSM

Syrah 50%, Mourvedre 30% Grenache 20%, Rhone valley, Costieres de Nimes, AOC, 13% ABV, $10.

Purchasing French wine used to feel like I was taking the GRE's. There are words I can't pronounce let alone define or equate, the compositions lack clarity and I'm often left feeling like I've made a horrible, horrible mistake somewhere along the way that will inevitably cost me. With two wine courses under my belt, I'm still barely able make sense of what I'm bringing home with even a moderate degree of confidence. So for those of you out there that are as lost and mystified as I have been, and still can be, here are a few French wine buying facts that will hopefully lead to successful purchases:

1) French wine is heavily regulated and as such organized into three tiers (in order of highest to lowest) - Appellation d'origine contrôlée or AOC/AC, Vin de Pays (country wine) and Vin de table (table wine). The AOC system is the model for nearly every other national regulatory system in the wine producing world (e.g. DO: Portugal and Italy; DOC Spain; AVA: US) and dictates everything from what grapes can be grown where down to the methods of pruning. Yeah, it's that serious.

2) While a hierarchy of quality is implied, VDP's can demonstrate complexity and character of more expensive AOC's but at reasonable prices. With fewer regulations there exists the opportunity for using both traditional and non-traditional methods of vinification. Furthermore, vineyards in France are not comprised solely of AOC's, VDP's or VDT's. Rather vine rows that are deemed unworthy of producing upper level French AOC wines are often located opposite those that produce the less expensive VDP's and VDT's.

So the next time you're in your favorite local liquor store and feeling that wild hair up your ass to try something from the Mecca of the wine world that is France, save some money and look for a Vin de Pays.

Now all that being said, this wine is NOT a Vin de Pays and IS reasonably priced at only 10 dollars. Instead it's from the southernmost region of the Rhone valley, Costieres de Nimes, AOC. The color is just barely opaque, on the cusp of being translucent. The nose gives off aromas of cocoa powder, black currant and cream with cooked fruit. I'm expecting this wine to have a higher ABV than 13%. A woody component becomes apparent after a few minutes and also after the back label overtly instructs me that the wine has been aged in oak barrels for 6 months (perhaps the power of suggestion is at play). In the mouth the wine has a medium body, moderate levels of acid and extremely low to non-existent tannins. I expected more astringency given that this Rhone GSM blend is comprised of mostly Syrah (a typically tannic grape), a fact that demonstrates the powerful influence of the typically juicy Grenache. The fruit is akin to that of an under-ripe or sour blackberry, which is an interesting contrast to the aromatics it initially exuded. All that said, I'm tasting far more alcohol on the back end of my palate given the aforementioned modest percentage of alcohol.

While this wine may be a value play at $10, spending just a few more dollars will get you substantially better quality and complexity. This wine has the potential to shine with the appropriately prepared Coq au vin or flank steak, nonetheless I'll be looking for a VDP next time. See you in the French aisle.

Zenaida Cellars, 2006, Syrah

California, Paso Robles, $26, 16% ABV

Que Syrah, Syrah. Whatever will be, will be. I’m finding this amalgamation of colloquial expression and grape varietal particularly enjoyable today. First because the phrase as it is normally spelled and intended is one that advocates for a life that doesn’t take the events of the day too seriously, that opts for stillness rather than stress, that encourages pleasures rather than plans. Second, because drinking good wine, while not an essential ingredient, can undoubtedly offer aid in discovering a life well lived - one comprised of simpler pleasures, more relaxed atmospheres, and calmer states of mind and mood. One such wine varietal with an ability to put me, at least, in a carefree state of being is Syrah. But, before delving into this particular Syrah, there are a few misnomers about this relatively unknown grape that I’d like to address:

1) Syrah and Shiraz IS the same grape. In an effort to increase their wine export sales Australia decided to rebrand the Syrah grape as Shiraz (pronounced sure-az). They succeeded at a meager rate of some 400%, which prompted other countries (e.g. South Africa) to adopt the pseudonym which stems from its Persian origin of Scyras.

2) Petit Sirah is NOT a smaller version of the Syrah grape. In South America, Petit Sirah is referred to as just Sirah, but do not be confused. Adding to the mire, however, is the existence of Petit Syrah and Grosse Syrah, smaller and larger version of the Syrah grape, respectively. To be clear, Petit Sirah is a distinct grape from Syrah in both name and genetics.

I’m particularly excited about this wine for two reasons. First, Californian Syrah is projected to be the next big wine varietal to dominate the American market. Much like Malbec today and Pinot Noir a few years prior, Syrah, alongside Grenache, is poised to increase in production, quality and most importantly, price. So now is the best time to buy Syrah before market demands cause their value to spike. Second, the Paso Robles area is typically an undervalued and underappreciated region within the Central Coast. As a result, wines marked at ten, twenty and thirty dollars can be great values for consumers with limited budgets.

With economics and pedagogy aside, let’s begin. Wine labels indicate an important and often overlooked detail about wine, with this particular wine being no exception. Adjacent to the initials ABV (alcohol by volume) reside the numbers 15.9%. Now, the average alcohol in wine is 13.5% so already I know that this wine is going to feel extremely heavy in the mouth (Note – alcohol is directly related to viscosity and weight; the higher the alcohol, the heavier the wine will feel). But before confirming my viscous suspicions, let’s address the color and aroma. This wine is dark, dull and opaque, like looking into a cloudy pool at night. The nose indicates earthy tones of hay and dirt with a healthy amount of funk (yes, funk). There are subtle hints of black pepper, dark berry custard and vanilla, all of which come secondary as the wine opens up. Tasting the wine yields an affirmation to my aforementioned prediction - this wine is extremely heavy. I taste strong, concentrated extract with supple, lingering tannins. The fruit is overripe-to-cooked and reminiscent of cassis or Chambord. There’s just enough acid to give this wine extraordinary balance with a long lasting finish.

My only complaint with this wine is that it’s not winter outside. Summer is not an ideal season for enjoying big, bold and sturdy wines such as this particular Syrah. In short, I love this wine. Buy a bottle--hell, buy a case if you can--before the prices of Californian Syrahs begin their inevitable ascent.

The Butt Cheese

"Grayson", Virginia, cow's milk, raw, 2010
$15/lb

I once told Eddie that he was "the cheese to my wine," being that he is, of course, hopelessly cheesy in his romanticism and humor, but finds me (probably rightfully so) to be somewhat melancholy, biting, and almost bitter. (Whatever, he loves it. And he could easily get hammered off of me if he wasn't careful. Muah!)

So now for something completely different: a cheese review. Cheese is the best thing that has ever come from rotten milk, and is rarely over $30 a pound, so it's pretty much always within the bounds of reviewing it here. And it's me, so I can do this "outside of the schtick" business. You may see some "under/over 30" stuff when I review expensive stuff and get to be under 30 at the same time. Huzzah!

So Eddie and I go to The Wine Source in Hampden to frolic in the aisles and swim through the plentiful bottles like Scrooge McDuck. I discover they have a cheese section, and this little squishy pale orange wedge catches my eye. It's interesting-looking, and I notice that it's from Virginia (my old stomping grounds), and made from raw cow's milk. And orange. And kinda stinky. I have to poke it. We normally get a good portion of everything in our fridge from the farmer's market, and the bestest cream-of-the-crop stank-ass cheese you can find there happens to be made of delicious (surprisingly not-so-goaty) goat's milk, so cow's milk is an interesting change of pace. I run off to The Cheese Guy to purchase it.

It began to stink up the car as we drove down the street a few blocks. Eddie thinks I'm probably one of those Super Taster/Smeller freaks who have more taste buds than anyone normal, though maybe it's just abnormally sensitive olfactory bulbs. Either way, it didn't really occur to me at that moment that the straight-up baked foot stench that emanated from the offending lump should have caused me to forcefully throw it out the passenger's side window.

We brought it home, along with a bottle of the Domaine de Cambis rosé that we decided we'd chill and very probably drink in the public park about a block from our apartment. We decided to taste the cheese before bringing it out with us.

Upon tasting a small chunk, Eddie responds with, "It smells like I just stuck my hand up my own ass.” Looking at the cheese disappointedly he says to me, “That's all you."

So even though "Grayson", a semi-soft washed-rind cow's milk cheese which apparently, "was awarded a third place Open Category Farmstead Cheeses at the American Cheese Society Competition of 2007, a second runner-up to Best in Show in the 2008 American Cheese Society competition and a second-place ribbon in the 2009 competition," has won several awards, it still smells (and thus tastes) like the fermented, musty buttcrack of one who has spent the better portion of a hotter-than-the-devil's-drawers August day in Baltimore sweating bullets down his or her hind crevice. I love me some rank-ass cheese, but not the butthole variety. I love me an earthy, mushroomy, squishy dirt-cheese like a good triple crème brie, or a garlicky, dirty sweat sock bleu variety like Roaring Forties. But this should more accurately be called "Virginia Rimjob". This makes me wonder what exactly the other cheeses were that the judges in these competitions had tasted, or what it was they chose to eat in their free time.

Beyond the butthole, you get a Velveeta-like plastic/aluminum quality with a similar soft, waxy texture. It tastes remarkably like that Velveeta Deluxe macaroni and cheese with the pouch o' orange crap that, upon sliding down your esophagus, makes you feel your congealing blood move through your heart in an almost lava lamp-like fashion. The only not-terrible part of this cheese is the rind, which is moderately palatable if you 1) can move beyond the horrid stench to even be able to taste the damn thing, and, 2) like the taste of washed-rind, or 3) like to eat ass-flavored cheese rind.

So the Butt Cheese gets a hearty thumbs-down. For $15 a pound, go for a nice Roquefort or St. Andre. Or anything, really. Because this tastes like something I found underneath a park bench.